Please keep in mind that if you've been sexually assaulted, this material may bring back memories, anxiety, or nightmares.Please read carefully
I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone, male or female, glance out the window so their eyes don't meet mine, and then say, "I'm so ashamed... This is something I've never told anyone." And then I start hearing about sexual abuse. It's seldom the first session, and it's rarely the third or fourth. But, as I begin to feel secure and understood, I begin to hear their humiliation. And the guilt caused by sexual abuse may linger far longer than any other type of harm; it creeps into your very soul.
You're worried about what others would think if they found out. The sensible part of you battles with the part of you that nearly needs to think you had some type of control. Whether that's the case, if you did or do it, you might be able to stop it in the future.
Why bring the humiliation on yourself? Why should you blame yourself for abuse?
You're a mature lady with your own children. You can see their fragility and remember how trusting you were as a youngster when your grandfather fondled you. But nonetheless....
You're a thirty-year-old man who remembers being drugged and then raped by two other males. You shiver and wonder whether there was anything you could have done to stop it.
An attack on campus was entirely random, but as a college female, you may blame yourself for being too afraid to shout. Or you were inebriated and don't recall everything. You attempt to persuade yourself that "I let it happen."
Blaming yourself can help you feel more in control today, but it is not a long-term solution. Why isn't it working? Because you don't deal with your rage entirely. I'm sorry for your loss. You get engulfed in feelings of humiliation and remorse.
Every victim of abuse experiences this type of struggle for apparent control. I've heard that a million times. Coping with feeling as out of control as you did at the time of the abuse is one of the most difficult aspects of recovery. And part of healing is recognizing what you do have control over right now– and therapy may assist you in doing so.
It's difficult job that is frequently compounded by situations that arise as a result of the reaction.
The humiliation that occurs on a regular basis yet is usually kept secret...
But there is another type of quiet humiliation that must be addressed.
When John was twelve years old, his aunt and uncle brought him to a camp in Missouri. He'd seen a leaflet that depicted a large, husky guy beaming as he taught young boys how to ride horses, feed poultry, and learn about farm life. It seemed like a lot of fun, and John couldn't wait to go.
The now 25-year-old John detailed the horror of what had transpired that night with a lifeless expression on his face. The farm served as a front for a pornography industry. He and the other boys had been drugged, videotaped, and forced to perform every sexual act conceivable. He assumed his aunt and uncle were aware.John didn't say anything when they pulled him up a month later.
She had been at home by herself. It was a sweltering Tuesday evening, just like every other Friday afternoon. She lived a little outside of town, with neighbors close enough to see but not close enough to readily catch their attention. Her spouse had departed for work many hours before. She heard a noise and glanced up to see a strange man standing in the doorframe. He appeared crazy, like if he was high about something.
She was brutally raped.
When Carly's parents married, she was five years old. She admired her new stepfather, her own father having vanished following the divorce. So when he offered to assist her with her bath, she joyfully took his hand in hers and followed. Bath time gradually becoming something she despised. The fondling didn't start all at once, but developed gradually as part of her bath ritual.
Every night, her mother would thank her stepfather for his assistance.
These are true experiences. They join the numerous other stories I've heard of children being misled, bad dates, and sex forcibly taken by strangers or someone known.
However, there is another degree of guilt - a secret that haunts a victim's spirit. In all three of the preceding incidents, the patients told me that their bodies had responded, although slowly and painfully. They had gone through arousal.
John despised his adolescent body for responding, believing unreasonably that if it hadn't, he could have gained some control. Shannon was terrified that she'd had something resembling orgasm, despite the fact that she'd fought to fight off her assailant and had been horribly wounded and bruised. Carly, now a woman, recalls "liking it" but feeling "confused and terrible."
Their nerve endings had responded as if what was happening was normal in the midst of the most terrifying event of their lives.
And they were extremely embarrassed.
It does not appear to happen on a regular basis. Many times when I hear about sexual abuse or rape, there is no indication of arousal.
Arousal does not imply consent. Simple as that
The problem is that the abuse is horrifying and terrifying. So why is my body acting as though it is? What is going on is heinous, intrusive, and criminal. You're not having fun with what's going on. Every aspect of your intellect is pleading with you to stop.
Unfortunately, the body's response may cause guilt that lasts far longer than the humiliation of the abuse itself, being permanently ingrained in your stomach and soul. You may never tell anybody because you feel as though your body has betrayed you and you have much more to conceal.
Abuse is difficult to uncover on its own. The majority of the time, it is not revealed at all. As in the previous two examples, the victim is aware or suspects that something is amiss, yet individuals who are meant to love them are involved. It's perplexing. A victim will take many showers but will not be able to overcome emotions of inferiority or disdain for his or her body.
Sexual abuse recovery...
Getting unhooked from shame leads to freedom from abuse. It is beneficial to talk about it – to tell someone you trust what happened.
It takes time to heal. You must cultivate a loving and respectful relationship with your body.
Healing entails determining how being abused affected you and how the abuse may still be influencing the decisions you make in your life. The understanding that being a victim of sexual abuse does not define you is the first step toward healing.
Healing involves having compassion and empathy for oneself, as well as internalizing the fact that whether or not your body responded, it was not consent.Recognizing that "fighting" and "fleeing" are simply two of the responses to attack is the first step toward healing. "Freeze" and "fold" are two more that are frequently the only, if not the best, strategies to defend oneself.
Healing is recognizing that harboring shame extends your perpetrator's influence over you. If you become furious, you may be motivated to address whatever humiliation you have acquired.
Healing necessitates accepting that none of it was your responsibility.
Originally published on September 22, 2018, this article was reprinted on August 31, 2019.